while i am not the most social of people i currently feel a need to stop my social outlets. get some perspective. see the forest through the trees. balance my check book. monthly planning. priorities. focus.

and those are my new years' resolutions.

back in the city

home for twelve days went by so quickly. i can't even account for my time. all my pants are now tight as i was able to eat at:

smokehouse, gordos, la familia, zachary's, karin, lanesplitters, bongo burger, in n out, the farmer's market, nabolom, nation's, noah's bagels, jupiter, pyramid, rudy's can't fail, and probably some others i can't remember. mind you, some of these places i ate at more than once. i wish i were still full.

unfortunately i didn't make it to mario's la fiesta or intermezzo. next time those are top of my list.

what was really great was how many people i was able to see, although i didn't see everyone nor certain people for as long as i would've liked.

it's crazy to be home. to see your grown siblings interacting with your mother because they all live in the same house.

my bipolar aunt is still a couch fixture. the dogs have regressed to potty accidents in the house. and my birds, who now live on the front porch, don't always have fresh water. but i can't live there and fix everything. that's not my job currently. figuring out my life is my job currently. isn't it nice i have the luxury of self-determination.

spent way too much money while home. but that is a symptom of having a good time.

one highlight, of which i took no pictures, was walking around the uc botanic garden. dan was gracious enough to go with me. which reminds me, i should ask to see his pictures. looked like he was taking pictures of dew drops and repetitive patterns. it's interesting how a garden can share the same visual qualities as a hong kong market.

what i have a new fondness for are seed pods. or the idea of the extended garden. first saw this book(Seedheads in the Garden, Noël Kingsbury), i think, at the brooklyn botanic garden shop or maybe it was the ny one up in the bronx. anyhow. this was the perfect time of year to see all the seedheads and other sort of extended garden beauty. i want to come back the same time next year and take photographs. if you have a moment, head up to the garden and look around. truly is lovely.


casey lou, at the market, started making bread and butter pickles... of which i have eaten two jars since i've been back (four days). my bags are taking up all the floor space i have in my room and have spilled out into the living room and onto the couch. it's quite convenient that my roommates are gone until new years. that is almost a month of not seeing them. i wonder if we'll re-acclimate to living with one another.

in the knitting world i made no progress with the fingerless gloves i toted along with me for the trip. tonight i finished a baby hat only to realize it's too big and also the baby i had in mind has a mother with a severe allergy to wool. the yarn is 25% wool. maybe i can pick up some nice cotton or alpaca or just use the acrylic i have laying around. although, that has probably touched wool. i wonder if the allergy is that serious.


what i would really like to be knitting, and will as soon as i can budget it-- is:





wouldn't this be lovely in a rust color or some shade of dark teal or purple or brown or whatever color strikes me at the knit shop. (my current favorite is knitty city)

it would also be nice if i could finish all three pairs of fingerless gloves i have on needles as well as the purse i'm making from sari silk remnants, the bolero jacket i started three years ago or the numerous dog sweaters i've promised my mother.


anyhow. it would be nice to finish at least a few projects before starting something new.

beyond knitting:

i have long lists of things to do for work. data ingestion that i have to sit down for. priorities, procedures, maybe some calculating. oh and pamphlets to send to norway. at least there is variety and it looks as though i'll be going on the 3D seismic shakedown cruise this january! exciting business this is. ten days, currently scheduled for the 8th to the 18th, gulf of mexico, on the langseth.


this year's christmas movie has yet to be decided. i roped my friend jon into the chinese food and a movie, since he's actually jewish and i'm only faking it. veronica wants to see the great debaters, while i wouldn't mind seeing a whole list of movies: juno, before the devil knows you're dead, margot at the wedding, atonement, the diving bell and the butterfly, i'm not there, into the wild, the savages, charlie wilson's war, sweeney todd, maybe some others that are no longer in the theater because it's been that long since i've seen a movie in new york.

i went to see enchanted with alice, jacob and heather at the grand lake in oakland. it was showing in the egyptian room. that theater is the greatest.

but what i miss most of all and didn't get to see was the parkway. man, what i wouldn't give (well, i suppose if i had the money to give i'd head back west and just go) to go see movies at that place. why oh why oh why oh why can't new york have a place like the parkway?


but i digress, and what was i even talking about to begin with? currently i'm waiting to head off to the airport to pick up lizah and tyler...... their flight was delayed by four hours. that's right. i'm picking up at 4am. and not sleeping ahead of time. bring on the coffee. shit.

i've posted the pictures i took while home on my picasa page. not the best but not the worst. mom looks good. the cemetery where she runs the dogs is expansive and beautiful. she discovered it after point isabelle was closed because of the oil spill.

ok, now i head off for the airport.

You have new Picture Mail!

new building

You have new Picture Mail!

work entry/exit

so i just realized, after looking at my itinerary, that i'm flying home on the 19th... bad news because it means one less day in california, but good news because i'll make it back to new york for work's holiday party! yessssssssssssss.

tonight was a baking night. i made peanut butter chocolate chip pecan oatmeal cookies. yes. that's one cookie. five dozen were made and close to five dozen still remain. they'll be brought in to work tomorrow as part of my sneaky sneaky plot to lure people away from their diets.


and if i were truly a blogger at heart i would've taken a picture to post

[here].

a big update!

i finally uploaded my full 1gb memory card from my camera and have a visual narration for my fact driven post!

number 1:
the super cool apple hat and booties that i made for scott's baby milo! lindsey and i set about making two hats, a sweater and matching booties! i was in charge of making the front and back panel of the sweater, the apple hat and the booties to match the sweater. lindsey made the stegosaurus hat and matching booties, along with the sleeves and finishing of the sweater.

this is how the hat and booties that were in my charge turned out!




this was a long time ago, maybe september/earlyish october? but milo is larger and incharger and no longer fits the sweater which was a very infant size. sorry i don't have any pics of the rest. but i do want to make my very own stego hat.

next i was off (at some point after the finishing of baby knitting) to watkins glen state park in beautiful upstate new york. pictures can be seen here.

then the next weekend i went with lindsey to the new york state sheep and wool festival in rhinebeck, ny! boy was that fun! and i got to buy alapaca! sport weight alpaca! pics are here

plus i got to feed baby goats!

and we saw these guys:



and this guy, notice the sweet stretch pants:



yeah, he was just walking around like that.


i then laid low for a week or two surrounding halloween. i might've done something, but i really can't remember. i think emily and t came into the city or something like that.

then at the beginning of november lindsey and i went to see kiku! at the new york botanic garden. and i took a lot of pictures. there was taiko drumming. we also saw o.roger anderson from work, he was heading to a meeting of the fern society! i mean, how perfect is that? pictures here.

time passed with mundane life until the night of 11/16/07. yes. 11/16/07 was the night i went walking with kori and jon, pictured here:



and the planetarium pictured here:



so anyhow, we keep walking up columbus! and what do we stumble upon???? oh yeah, taping of law&order:svu. and we got to be background! i saw jesse l. martin. and i wish he'd been singing. but instead he was acting which was just as good. he is beautiful! and tall. and dreamy and so i pretty much couldn't be background because i was too excited to see all the law and order folks, so we had to go. self inflicted removal. but still sooooo cool. jon has a way with the celebrities. he sees them everywhere. i, on the other hand, have no luck. so i'm glad he rubbed off on me or i got to tag along on what is very mundane for him because it happens all the time!

then the very very next day i went to the knitting factory and saw enon. boy is my life busy... pics here. i took video but the sound quality is extremely poor. i'm going to see if i can remedy that but they are still posted on my youtube page. your ears are warned.


and then for thanksgiving i went to connecticut with the weissels! pictures are here.

and now we are current. sorry there weren't more in blog pictures, but there are loads to look at if you go to my picture page.

i'll be home from december 7th through the 20th! and maybe i'll write a word or two at that time but pictures will be posted sooner or later...

so i've decided to be less angsty complainer bullshit and more fact driven with this blog here.

it has recently occurred to me, for all the reason i hate and all the reasons i enjoy, that i am quite similar to my mother. in body shape, demeanor, volume and practice.

this terrifies the hell out of me. but then again, maybe i'm ten steps ahead because, i only knowing her at an age much older than mine....... or maybe these are just constant traits. what does it matter at all anyhow.

at times my heart feels frozen. and the rest of the time it doesn't. every thought, feeling and action is based in/on some reality that i'm not currently defining but maybe it is the same as yours and maybe it is constant more likely it is changing and i am unaware until some drastic shift occurs. but how many drastic shifts happen? so then things are constant not in themselves but instead in their changing. and my sister still holds on to the idea/hope/delusion that she might win the lottery. how could that ever be a wish or desire? most people regret winning. there was a documentary on it. very few lottery winners are happy they won.


i want to be in the woods, touch dirt, feel cold that is moist. not wind tunnels created by buildings.

and i want to float in warm water until my mind clears and feet wrinkle.

i want to be certain. of what? not sure. but certain nonetheless.

i want to be able to have life go beyond two week segments.


it's strange, fractals keep being brought up in the past few weeks.

monday

i am doing a whole lot of nothing. the hours just go by. and the sky is already getting dark.

focus has eluded me. i need to do laundry, finish my knitting project and get enough sleep.

kori tells me caffeine is an appetite suppressant. this has yet to prove true for me.

but i do get to empty my bladder regularly.


the weather is applying lip cover weather. my lip cover of choice is 100% cocoa butter. i smooth it on and rub my lips together until i hit the over sensory point where my lips seem to buzz. the equal feeling of putting your real shoes on after ice skating.

new post

new york has finally turned to scarf weather. it's also probably jacket weather but i'm the one step at a time type. all the the winter activities are starting around now. ice skating, butterfly conservatory at the natural history museum, and cool indoor exhibitions at the different botanic gardens.

attempted to do the village halloween parade. and by do i mean watch. never again, way too many people. couldn't see a thing. and every girl had their ass hanging out. i know there's been a lot of press on how halloween has become an excuse to dress slutty but i think it's true. whore it up! but i'm not about to do it. way too self conscience for that. went to the knitting factory to see lesley's band slaywhore, you know, the all female slayer cover band and i'm a convert. i'll go see them whenever... as long as i can sit in the back and not interact with anyone.


it looks like i'll be home from december 7th or 8th to the 18th or 19th. haven't bought the ticket yet but will in the next week or so.

Coke with vitamins!

diet of course

i've been emotionally up, down and sideways lately. wrestling with a high school style crush on a guy at work along with a huge upheaval at home. not really wanting to talk about either has found me with little to write here.

went to homecoming this past weekend at syracuse and was able to row. the next day i felt as though someone had taken a wooden bat to my body. but more exciting than my first real exercise in two years was my trip to watkins glen state park. beautiful. oh my. check out the pictures here.

more later when something exciting happens. it will, i just feel it.

heading to syracuse this weekend. not sure what else to say about that.

long long day

i want to float like a feather on a breeze. i want to spin around and around until the world blurs and my feet take flight. i want to nuzzle in a field of basil and swim in sediment rich waters.

today i was riding in a truck filled with plants and while at a stop light a pretty light yellow butterfly flew in the cab, took inventory of all the plants and then freaked out as we sped off- the changing speed was too much. i looked back at the butterfly flapping around the plants and the light was just right. the air was warm.

got shoes from kmart for $6.99, some child's small hands probably ran the sewing machine in their construction. the shoes persistently smell of rubber. they are navy blue canvas, i've worn them the past three days in a row.

mom found out today that the house they live in will be on the market as of january. mrs. charles wanted to give mom a heads up and a shot at purchasing. it would be nice if things fell in place. but it is also times like these where life feels completely out of your control. i wish my mother had a planning for the future gene. or even a planning for the next six months gene. and that i had the no need to be mean gene.

how can you tell if you're pretty or just average and vain? also, how does one tell the difference between someone who is nice and someone who is interested. and how much does pretty matter anyhow?

i want a puppy i can name pokey. wasn't there a children's book named poky the puppy? i think it's better with an 'e'.

my room looms before me with unpacked clothes and bags and boxes. i avoid everything in my room but the bed. the bed i snuggle in, nuzzle in, loose hours to sleep in.

the first of my forwarded mail came today. in celebration i'm having peppered brie and stoned wheat thins for dinner. although to be honest, i'd probably've had the same thing even if the forwarded mail hadn't come.

saw breakfast on pluto last night. love love love it. although when films have people with down syndrome portrayed in inclusive ways i'm always more partial.

updateupdate!

moved in to the new place! set up the bed, unpacked the boxes. haven't touched the clothes or the bags of random shit i shoved places at the last minute. that will have to wait for this weekend.

took my first shower in the huge bathroom, water pressure is just right. roommates are good people, i can sense it. maybe it's just my misplaced optimism but i think this all will work out.

work is super busy and with the housing search and now move on top of it the past three weeks has disappeared. maybe the past four. i don't know. haven't seen maire since move out day. marie asked me about her when she called about mail at the old place. do we miss each other she asked me and i said, well i don't know about maire but i'm to busy to miss anyone.

think i'm going to get a rug off of ebay. the place cat told me about. it'll tie the whole room together.

so the things i need:

area rug
lamp
window shade/cover/curtain
dvd player
those cube bins that stack for the closet
wall coverings of sorts/secondary need
alarm clock


and that's all i can think of right at the moment. oh and a cover for one of the keys so i know which is the top lock and which is the bottom.

but right now i need to sleep more than anything else. hopefully i'll start updating more regularly now that life is settling. and once i find my camera cord i'll upload some pictures.

You have new Picture Mail!

Office plants

You have new Picture Mail!

Sunflower.

update!update!

i am currently in new jersey. all of my stuff is stuffed into my friend lizah's childhood room.

the move out was stressful but successful. :) i hyperventilated for the first time in my life last night... and tomorrow i see what looks like a beautiful apartment right on the border of washington heights and inwood. but watch, it will be a weird guy or he's really renting out his living room. new york craigslist isn't the best thing ever.

tell you all about it tomorrow :D night night.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck


that's what i like to say as i bang my head against the wall. the housing search has yet to go well. have to be out by the end of the week and i have no idea where i'm going to live. well, that's not exactly true. i have the opportunity to say at ash's place for september if it comes down to it but the idea of having to move twice is not so nice... plus, that would be five flights of stairs each time. boo.

suppose to see a place tomorrow night, but the guy hasn't confirmed the address with me. guess i'll give him a call tomorrow. craigslist can be so sketchy.

i wish i didn't have limitations on my funds.. then i could just get a studio somewhere and not have to worry about mixing well with potential housemates or have to worry about them liking me enough in the five minutes they meet me to want to live with me.

when i heard a no from the last place, which was huge and beautiful and cheap, i called my mother all down in the face. she then proceeds in her buddhist wisdom to tell me that these rejections are not rejections. instead they are guidance along my path. i was not meant to live in those places and they are allowing me to find the place that i am meant to be. she then wanted me to visualize the type of place i want.

i love my mother. and her advice is swallowable. but she sounds like i want to roll my eyes.


so anyway, that's my update. no movement. a whole lot of stress eating and a mothers wise wisdom.

haven't much felt like posting. it's this cycle of not wanting to post, feeling guilty for not posting, and then posting lame ass stuff because you have no inspiration for good stuff.

i have a huge backlog of photos that need to be uploaded to google and that just ain't happening anytime soon. this little laptop of mine is driving me crazy and i covet the new imac like crazy. but even if i could afford to breath near the apple store i still wouldn't want to get it until october when leopard comes out. i mean, who's going to buy anything now when the updated operating system (which looks so cool) is just about here.

and the housing search isn't going particularly well. i looked at some places, and one was amazing and huge and bright and clean. they gave the room to a friend and i swear, every other apartment i've looked at is dark, dingy and dirty.

ash's roommate christina wants me to move in there. share a room with ash. which i could do, we might even not kill each other but the roommate drama at that apartment is kind of crazy and the kitchen space is super limited and there's an electric range. i mean, who can live with an electric range. the biggest selling point is no deposit. i could just move in. and this would be great because i is poor. i am just pulling myself out of the hole i was in and this whole moving thing doesn't help anything.

what i need to do is get a weekend job. or some sort of events thing. or freelance. what i need are some marketable skills. and let's be honest, this pretty face isn't going to get me anywhere. especially since it gets fatter by the day.

yeah, i need to work on that too.

seeing more rooms this week. ash and her roommates talk about the idea of me moving in tomorrow. and if they say yes then i'll do that. i mean, no deposit is no deposit.

the big search

the big search will be followed, hopefully, by the big move. i'm looking for a new place to live, something closer to work. something in the ghetto.


i'll update after i see some apartment this weekend.

lincoln center!

plus more on the youtube page

i've pretty much played a shut in the whole weekend and loved it. did quick errands saturday but beyond that i've just marinated in my sweaty, stuffy apartment. listened repetitively to a few songs, drank in the bath and watered the garden, each time running my hands through the basil, mint, cilantro and tomatoes- pausing in between each to smell the lingering scents on my fingers.

next week is the week of social interaction. pool potluck at a coworkers either wednesday or thursday (weather depending), full moon party (organized by me) friday night and my big 25 coney island birthday bash saturday night.

i'm glad i decided to plan something and invite people over a week from the date. the closer to the date the less i'm going to want to celebrate or organize anything. this way there's no backing out.


tonight i'm going to try to go to this slow dance thing. i just like the idea of free and night time. maybe take some pictures if too many people aren't doing the same thing.

tonight as i was watering and weeding the garden the fireflies were out and i couldn't help but be very content. i spent all of yesterday playing cinderella, scrubbing and dusting and laundering. moved all of my things into the front room and made a parlor of sorts out of my old room. maire didn't make it home last night because of thunderstorms but she should be back tonight. wonder what she'll think of it all. baby kitty misses her and is clinging extra close to me these past few days. and i've completely forgotten that i put rice on to cook, sshit. ok, not bad, just needed to be turned down. nothing burned or spilled on my freshly scrubbed stovetop.

fell in love with one of the 99cent stores this weekend. 2liter bottles of jarritos, pina flavor, of course.

just finished watching last king of scotland, and i think ebonee is right, forest whitaker is wearing blackface. weird. but good movie.


sleepy time for me...nightnight.

intermittent postings, that's what this blog should be called. i can't even remember what has happened since the last i wrote. but don't worry, i'm ignoring everyone these days, not just jess martin (hi jess) my singular reader.

things that have happened:

1. was hired full time and permanently, go me!
2. housemate has become super shady and we're in the process of kicking him out. today was suppose to be his last day and he hasn't showed up... hum.
3. wisconsin! i was in wisconsin for my cousin's wedding! saw the family, ate brots, drank beer, danced the polka. amazing.
4. our garden is blooming and is overcrowded but i keep adding stuff to it.
5. my camera cord is at ashley's so i'll never be able to upload all the pictures i've taken of said overcrowded garden.
6. i actually remembered a dream from last night. i never remember dreams. and this one is weird although i have figured out where i got each piece from. when i was a kid i thought my not remembering dreams meant that i dreamt the future, i was always getting a deja vu feeling... who knows, could be.


birthday is coming up pretty soon. 17 more days, i guess the countdown has begun.

fucking cat

i'm pretty sure that i have a mosquito bite on the outer ridge of my ear. i have bites everywhere. we leave the door open in the evening to get some air and the mosquitoes enter, lie in wait and attack while i sleep. two days later i itch all over, it's a bitch.

tomorrow, in 45min, is maire's 25th birthday. my gift is pie. i'm making a rhubarb, strawberry, pear pie. tomorrow morning will be hell to wake up as every morning is because i refuse to go to sleep at a decent hour, mostly because that would be 30min after i walk in the door.

when i first got home i had to run outside, in the rain, and plant the gifts from rose anne, whatever they are called, if they survive they'll have pinkish purple flowers, and found that some thing (baby kitty) had ravished my sunflower seedlings. fucking shithead. half of them are slumping over on themselves, practically uprooted all so that maire's shit of a cat can have an extra large litter box. maire then tells me that she told me to get chicken wire. well how the fuck is that going to work? we set it up straight he climbs it and shits where ever he likes, we set it up bent over and what, constrict the growth? is he going to just get over it being his litter box for a few weeks before the sunflowers get too big to be under chicken wire? and isn't chicken wire sort of thick and ugly and

oh shit, just took the pie out. and the edges are dark, like some would call burned but like before it's really burned, sort of burned. and i had completely forgotten about the pinwheels so those are dark too. the only think left in the oven is the pie for work and i have to make sure that doesn't burn as well. i know one thing and that is i'm not bringing in a burnt pie.

i smell, need a shower and over eight hours of sleep. this is what i wish for out of my weekend. saturday is the mermaid parade at coney island! maire wants to go to some concert in prospect park, although i'm not sure if i'm included in that deal. i mean, i'm sure if i want to go i'm invited but i'm not sure if i want to go out with everyone that might be going out. it might be too much of a party for me. do i really feel like partying? probably not. i need that eight plus hours of sleep and a shower. and i have to stand guard over my poor repeatedly attacked sunflower seedlings. fucking cat.

spent the weekend at lake george, this is the view from the porch:

the fucking cat keeps shitting where i'm trying to grow my sunflowers. fucking cat. not only does he do a shitty job of covering it up but in the process he covers my poppies with his extra dirt. fucker.

and i'm a little worried, my direct deposit hasn't gone through. shit.

the garden is suppose to be a calming thing, my controlled environment. but i'm too busy digging dirt covered cat shit out of my sunflower seedlings to enjoy the stupid thing.

i do have to say that the cilantro seedlings are really cute, and the idea of salsa later this summer is even better.

here are the rest:

i've been doing these out the window videos for the past few days and decided to get a youtube account, why not, right? here's the first one i uploaded:

tired for days it feels.  mom's having a really hard time recently and i continually hear of it.  best way to feel helpless; move three thousand miles away.  

of the positive things to talk about the garden keeps ringing number one.  with all the seedlings popping up and buds appearing on the tomato plant i'm pretty happy.   of course it helps that this rain has cut out watering time from my morning, for which i am eternally grateful.  

on the hiring front, my references are being checked.  catherine already sent hers in, heather said she got the email but hadn't responded and i'm guessing the same for rob.  but then today ashley got a request and i'm wondering if spitale did as well.  will they check all six?  i get nervous with the whole process and the idea of interviews make me clammy.  

fido

this will be amazing

tony awards

i want to see:

spring awakening
grey gardens
talk radio
curtains
spamalot
the drowsy chaperone
110 in the shade

so about $1000 later...

and i can't believe i missed the coast of utopia, but then again i never had $300, or even $150 for a 50% ticket from the tkts booth. such is life.


ash spent the whole weekend with me, i made a decent soup and my room now has a visible floor. not bad considering it's the first weekend home in three weeks. alice's 26th birthday was today (or yesterday, at this point) and i got her the best present in the entire world. the full series of keeping up appearances which should drive everyone else in the family batty.

while ash was very productive with her human rights research for class i did no reading of any sort this weekend. need to hop back on the horse and schedule some readings for myself. i had a plan of going through and reading all the published papers of the people i immediately work with just so i have a better idea for people's interests. so far i've read nothing. the sooner i do it the sooner i might sound quasi-intelligent with regard to any topic. i mean, what's better than asking a question about past personal research? all in due time i suppose, i mean i'm only in my second month over there at columbia.

just now i bit into my apple only to find it rotten inside. isn't the outside suppose to warn you of these things? maybe soften up a bit? bleck.

lamont so pretty

this is a tulip tree blossom.

waiting for the bus

missed the bus today. 8:02, saw it stopped at the light, could've run for it or whatever but given my luck it would've been full, no room anyway. went to check out moleskin notebooks but everything in this area is either too expensive or closed at 8am.

the roof of my mouth is raw and burned from the pizza i ate last night when i finally got home. seeds did not get planted and i was annoyed to have extra people in the apartment. bathroom full when i woke up as late as i did. maybe no one will be home when i get back tonight. going to sleep right away, waking early. here's the bus!

having the walk through room sucks when friends of housemate are over and convening in her room. will they clear out when i go to bed? i honestly can't believe i'm still awake. had to watch the painted veil, which i'm not too impressed with. it might just be that i'm tired beyond belief, we'll see. today i bought seeds to finish spring planting. two kinds of sunflowers, forgetmenots, oriental poppies, blue flax, and evening primrose.


they were waiting for me to finish with the movie. both waiting for the other to move. tomorrow morning i'll finish planting seeds, water and probably fall asleep on the train. need to get focus and make schedule for work. 8am bus! here i come.

trapped

my never ending lazy weekend is now truly never ending. i am trapped here at lake george, at the mercy of vehicle owning people. supposedly doing work currently but instead lamenting my situation. the weather is this lovely northwest copy. damp, drizzly and green. it's just not fair that i have to be inside attempting the telecommute.

lizah is off at her grandfather's and i want to read trash novels. not figure out my missing piece of awk script. fucking unix. i just wish i knew it better. of course i'm too much of an egoist to ask people who could help.

this week the digital camera of past posts talking should arrive from it's long backorder and then i might accompany my complaints with pictures.

maire and i have been communicating through text messages this weekend and i guess our new housemate's room smells strongly of urine. besides being extremely put off by this i have to wonder how a 35yr old man has been unsuccessful at potty training. and if you drink so much that you do urinate yourself that might be a little indicator that you have a problem. of course we had to be the idiots to say sure, 35yr old, shiftless, probably emotionally unstable man, come live with us. we'd love to have to hound you for the little rent we ask of you and we've always wanted the front of our apartment to smell of urine. the cat was not able to accomplish that so thanks for taking up the cause. asshole.

yesterday was the day of coney island, the cyclone, astroland, and extra large beers. i still have the nifty temp tat won playing skeeball. the weather was perfect and the people watching was at unheard of levels. i love fried dough.

today of all days

i'm currently in one of those moods where i might as well be a two year old. good thing i'm the only one here at work because before i could possibly catch myself i would whine. maybe do a little stomping dance. fists tight and shaking in front of my body. logic, reason and sense completely gone. i hear those don't go over well in academic environments.

and what to have for dinner? that is the truly pressing question. when i get home will i have a plan. since i've spent all my spending money for the next two weeks in this past weekend there's no more stopping by whole foods on the way home from work. the poor people on the train won't have me to gawk at while i shovel indian food in as fast as i can.

at lunch i was reading this slate.com article about montessori schools and realized yet again that kids are a huge hassle. i mean, i'll probably have them. one look at my breasts and i'm shocked they haven't just started lactating of their own accord, baby present or not. i think kids are okay in theory and in the immediate community but as soon as you scale back to world dynamics and issues i wish i were barren. i guess i just don't hold the opinion that my offspring would save the world, or that more is better, do there need to be more of us? whatever. the whole child debate was stirred this weekend when i went to a friend's bridal shower. next thing will be a baby shower, maybe not this year but the year after for sure. so many people are on track with their lives. of which i have no desire to join them, i just don't like to be surrounded by tracks.

tomorrow i have to remember to stop by the fish pond and see how big the tadpoles have gotten.

working from home

today is the second day this week i've worked from home. sitting around, clad only in underwear, computer in lap. i was here when the mail came and the new netflix is now on for background noise. over analytical rambling that is meant to be prolific but is instead painful to listen to. that is kicking and screaming. but i am now just reminded again that i need a passport. number one on the list, the list i need to write down.

yesterday a 1GB SD card arrived, for the new digital camera that has yet to arrive. i love that they come in separate packages. the largest box for this tiny card. at least baby kitty has one more box to sleep in. poor annoying baby kitty.

nothing truly exciting ever happens.

today i'm working from home. why you ask? because i can. that and i really need to do laundry. the new place i've been patiently awaiting to open has! yay! i now only have to walk 1/2 a block to do laundry instead of 3.

so what else has been going on with me? well, i went up to lake george over the weekend and it was fantastic. beautiful. some pictures would illustrate that very well... too bad for the lack of a digital camera. which brings me to my current little dilemma. my uncle bought me a camera. a digital one. and it came and he said it wasn't that great and that he'd overpaid for it. and he had. so then i'm a little brat and ask if it can be returned because the camera that i wanted actually costs less and is much cooler. so now i'm feeling like a complete asshole and maybe i am one...

but once everything works itself out and i either have this camera or another camera then there will be pictures and this will less have to be my writing and can more be a visual interpretation. not bad, right??

finished my second week at lamont! think things are going well but there is still a huge cavern of knowledge untapped. i need to review the basics of geology, physics, and mathematics. maybe read some of the published papers of my phd holdin' coworkers. oh and figure out what i need to know to have a better chance of going to sea.

two days ago i sat next to a man with two thumbs on his right hand. weirdest thing i've seen in quite some time. but i guess with 8million people there's some of everything.

oh and i'm convinced that i have social anxiety disorder or some variation there of. it'd explain a lot.

at 12:36 i have finally made it home and taken a quick shower. the sky keeps lighting it's purplish blinding light as we are in the middle of a storm. i have to leave for work in less than six hours. i am more of a twelve hour sleeper generally.

today i wish i were able to switch off the repeat in my brain. it's always the small things, said and probably not lingering with anyone else that i for hours later berate myself over. like today. not fully ingesting that scott said he was a postdoc, key word being post, i asked what his topic was, if he had chosen one yet. it probably've been more relevant to ask when he'd finished and if he was continuing his research or teaching. i know it doesn't matter but it's been haunting me since. i hate feeling foolish. but i have labored on that one what feels too long and told two people even, must get over that. too many other things to replay.

where to begin again

i've felt absolutely no guilt or remorse over dropping this blog that i've told no one about and am pretty sure no one reads. but i've been thinking of writing lately and what is better than the practice of a blog. daily ramblings. no editing. no filter. well, maybe not no filter.

just finished my first week at the new job. yes, a job was finally found months and months after the tortures of temping. working for the marine geology and geophysics department at columbia. helping with archiving and database management. the campus is beautiful, the people are interesting and knowledgeable. and there's a chance that i might go to sea on a research ship. or rather i'd like to go to sea on a research ship and if i can pick up the skills needed i might be able to stow away. at lunch i go on hikes and get too much sun. there is a rose garden where frogs fornicate and goldfish swim. i now know what dog tooth violet leaves look like. the only downside is the commute. about two hours each way it takes up a major portion of the day. on the upside i'm reading a lot more. i just finished running with scissors the other day. might even want to see the movie. those strange memoirs are all the rage these days. i read in the fall that pieces book, and watched as james frey was torn limb from limb. and then a few weeks ago i read the glass castle. very moving and even more so because i could find paralles with my own life. choices my parents made that put us in alternative situations that the mainstream society would look down upon. we chose to see things as freedoms of choice but them might've just been expressions poverty.

currently i'm reading three books, gravity's rainbow (for about five months now and i haven't picked it up in at least three); mansfield park (2nd time), and the memory keeper's daughter. this last one is about a doctor who delivers his twin children on a snowy night only to discover that the daughter has down syndrome. topic close to home the book was lent to me by emhavs who's brother has down's. the novel is set in the late 1960's where thoughts of institutionalization are the status quo and the ideas of equal medical treatment and education were a struggle. it is an interesting read because my mom, when alice was born in 1981, was told she should put her in and institution. when my mom refused they told her all she could do was take her home and love her because she wasn't going to get past the mental age of a two year old.

some of my favorite diane arbus photos are of the women with down syndrome. taken at a time when the developmentally delayed were locked behind closed doors and the women who birthed them were shamed into thinking it was their fault. here are two of her pictures of people with down syndrome. i know it's been said that diane arbus demeaned her subjects with the photographs she took but i truly think photographing what was never seen or locked away and shunned by society empowers. shines a light on what was dark. plus, the attention she paid to them during the photographing and the importance felt by having a picture taken outweighs the people who choose to see the photographs as demeaning.




this is my favorite, made me think of alice. i was just so happy to see them outside and laughing. i believe it was taken in the late 60's early 70's.