it has recently occurred to me, for all the reason i hate and all the reasons i enjoy, that i am quite similar to my mother. in body shape, demeanor, volume and practice.

this terrifies the hell out of me. but then again, maybe i'm ten steps ahead because, i only knowing her at an age much older than mine....... or maybe these are just constant traits. what does it matter at all anyhow.

at times my heart feels frozen. and the rest of the time it doesn't. every thought, feeling and action is based in/on some reality that i'm not currently defining but maybe it is the same as yours and maybe it is constant more likely it is changing and i am unaware until some drastic shift occurs. but how many drastic shifts happen? so then things are constant not in themselves but instead in their changing. and my sister still holds on to the idea/hope/delusion that she might win the lottery. how could that ever be a wish or desire? most people regret winning. there was a documentary on it. very few lottery winners are happy they won.


i want to be in the woods, touch dirt, feel cold that is moist. not wind tunnels created by buildings.

and i want to float in warm water until my mind clears and feet wrinkle.

i want to be certain. of what? not sure. but certain nonetheless.

i want to be able to have life go beyond two week segments.


it's strange, fractals keep being brought up in the past few weeks.

long long day

i want to float like a feather on a breeze. i want to spin around and around until the world blurs and my feet take flight. i want to nuzzle in a field of basil and swim in sediment rich waters.

today i was riding in a truck filled with plants and while at a stop light a pretty light yellow butterfly flew in the cab, took inventory of all the plants and then freaked out as we sped off- the changing speed was too much. i looked back at the butterfly flapping around the plants and the light was just right. the air was warm.

got shoes from kmart for $6.99, some child's small hands probably ran the sewing machine in their construction. the shoes persistently smell of rubber. they are navy blue canvas, i've worn them the past three days in a row.

mom found out today that the house they live in will be on the market as of january. mrs. charles wanted to give mom a heads up and a shot at purchasing. it would be nice if things fell in place. but it is also times like these where life feels completely out of your control. i wish my mother had a planning for the future gene. or even a planning for the next six months gene. and that i had the no need to be mean gene.

how can you tell if you're pretty or just average and vain? also, how does one tell the difference between someone who is nice and someone who is interested. and how much does pretty matter anyhow?

i want a puppy i can name pokey. wasn't there a children's book named poky the puppy? i think it's better with an 'e'.

my room looms before me with unpacked clothes and bags and boxes. i avoid everything in my room but the bed. the bed i snuggle in, nuzzle in, loose hours to sleep in.

the first of my forwarded mail came today. in celebration i'm having peppered brie and stoned wheat thins for dinner. although to be honest, i'd probably've had the same thing even if the forwarded mail hadn't come.

saw breakfast on pluto last night. love love love it. although when films have people with down syndrome portrayed in inclusive ways i'm always more partial.

i've pretty much played a shut in the whole weekend and loved it. did quick errands saturday but beyond that i've just marinated in my sweaty, stuffy apartment. listened repetitively to a few songs, drank in the bath and watered the garden, each time running my hands through the basil, mint, cilantro and tomatoes- pausing in between each to smell the lingering scents on my fingers.

next week is the week of social interaction. pool potluck at a coworkers either wednesday or thursday (weather depending), full moon party (organized by me) friday night and my big 25 coney island birthday bash saturday night.

i'm glad i decided to plan something and invite people over a week from the date. the closer to the date the less i'm going to want to celebrate or organize anything. this way there's no backing out.


tonight i'm going to try to go to this slow dance thing. i just like the idea of free and night time. maybe take some pictures if too many people aren't doing the same thing.

tonight as i was watering and weeding the garden the fireflies were out and i couldn't help but be very content. i spent all of yesterday playing cinderella, scrubbing and dusting and laundering. moved all of my things into the front room and made a parlor of sorts out of my old room. maire didn't make it home last night because of thunderstorms but she should be back tonight. wonder what she'll think of it all. baby kitty misses her and is clinging extra close to me these past few days. and i've completely forgotten that i put rice on to cook, sshit. ok, not bad, just needed to be turned down. nothing burned or spilled on my freshly scrubbed stovetop.

fell in love with one of the 99cent stores this weekend. 2liter bottles of jarritos, pina flavor, of course.

just finished watching last king of scotland, and i think ebonee is right, forest whitaker is wearing blackface. weird. but good movie.


sleepy time for me...nightnight.

the fucking cat keeps shitting where i'm trying to grow my sunflowers. fucking cat. not only does he do a shitty job of covering it up but in the process he covers my poppies with his extra dirt. fucker.

and i'm a little worried, my direct deposit hasn't gone through. shit.

the garden is suppose to be a calming thing, my controlled environment. but i'm too busy digging dirt covered cat shit out of my sunflower seedlings to enjoy the stupid thing.

i do have to say that the cilantro seedlings are really cute, and the idea of salsa later this summer is even better.

tired for days it feels.  mom's having a really hard time recently and i continually hear of it.  best way to feel helpless; move three thousand miles away.  

of the positive things to talk about the garden keeps ringing number one.  with all the seedlings popping up and buds appearing on the tomato plant i'm pretty happy.   of course it helps that this rain has cut out watering time from my morning, for which i am eternally grateful.  

on the hiring front, my references are being checked.  catherine already sent hers in, heather said she got the email but hadn't responded and i'm guessing the same for rob.  but then today ashley got a request and i'm wondering if spitale did as well.  will they check all six?  i get nervous with the whole process and the idea of interviews make me clammy.  

tony awards

i want to see:

spring awakening
grey gardens
talk radio
curtains
spamalot
the drowsy chaperone
110 in the shade

so about $1000 later...

and i can't believe i missed the coast of utopia, but then again i never had $300, or even $150 for a 50% ticket from the tkts booth. such is life.


ash spent the whole weekend with me, i made a decent soup and my room now has a visible floor. not bad considering it's the first weekend home in three weeks. alice's 26th birthday was today (or yesterday, at this point) and i got her the best present in the entire world. the full series of keeping up appearances which should drive everyone else in the family batty.

while ash was very productive with her human rights research for class i did no reading of any sort this weekend. need to hop back on the horse and schedule some readings for myself. i had a plan of going through and reading all the published papers of the people i immediately work with just so i have a better idea for people's interests. so far i've read nothing. the sooner i do it the sooner i might sound quasi-intelligent with regard to any topic. i mean, what's better than asking a question about past personal research? all in due time i suppose, i mean i'm only in my second month over there at columbia.

today of all days

i'm currently in one of those moods where i might as well be a two year old. good thing i'm the only one here at work because before i could possibly catch myself i would whine. maybe do a little stomping dance. fists tight and shaking in front of my body. logic, reason and sense completely gone. i hear those don't go over well in academic environments.

and what to have for dinner? that is the truly pressing question. when i get home will i have a plan. since i've spent all my spending money for the next two weeks in this past weekend there's no more stopping by whole foods on the way home from work. the poor people on the train won't have me to gawk at while i shovel indian food in as fast as i can.

at lunch i was reading this slate.com article about montessori schools and realized yet again that kids are a huge hassle. i mean, i'll probably have them. one look at my breasts and i'm shocked they haven't just started lactating of their own accord, baby present or not. i think kids are okay in theory and in the immediate community but as soon as you scale back to world dynamics and issues i wish i were barren. i guess i just don't hold the opinion that my offspring would save the world, or that more is better, do there need to be more of us? whatever. the whole child debate was stirred this weekend when i went to a friend's bridal shower. next thing will be a baby shower, maybe not this year but the year after for sure. so many people are on track with their lives. of which i have no desire to join them, i just don't like to be surrounded by tracks.

tomorrow i have to remember to stop by the fish pond and see how big the tadpoles have gotten.

nothing truly exciting ever happens.

today i'm working from home. why you ask? because i can. that and i really need to do laundry. the new place i've been patiently awaiting to open has! yay! i now only have to walk 1/2 a block to do laundry instead of 3.

so what else has been going on with me? well, i went up to lake george over the weekend and it was fantastic. beautiful. some pictures would illustrate that very well... too bad for the lack of a digital camera. which brings me to my current little dilemma. my uncle bought me a camera. a digital one. and it came and he said it wasn't that great and that he'd overpaid for it. and he had. so then i'm a little brat and ask if it can be returned because the camera that i wanted actually costs less and is much cooler. so now i'm feeling like a complete asshole and maybe i am one...

but once everything works itself out and i either have this camera or another camera then there will be pictures and this will less have to be my writing and can more be a visual interpretation. not bad, right??

so i have two current internet obsessions:

nerve.com and myspace

just got an emailing saying that my premium membership for nerve is running out in a month. i totally can't afford to renew it but the precentage of my internet use devoted to nerve is gynormous. what to do, what to do.

i mean, mcsweeney's, gofugyourself and idontlikeyouinthatway still rank up there nerve is like the daily pilgramage. if maire read this she'd laugh at me.