so i have two current internet obsessions:

nerve.com and myspace

just got an emailing saying that my premium membership for nerve is running out in a month. i totally can't afford to renew it but the precentage of my internet use devoted to nerve is gynormous. what to do, what to do.

i mean, mcsweeney's, gofugyourself and idontlikeyouinthatway still rank up there nerve is like the daily pilgramage. if maire read this she'd laugh at me.

you're dirty and sloppy

our fridge is amazing. the cheese and meat drawer is awe inspiring. we actually make meals. well, at least once a week we make a meal, but those last a few days if not half the week. of course last week when i made pork tenderloin of course i cut my finger chopping potatoes. i think i can take the band aid off soon. never complain that your knives are too sharp. yesterday maire made chicken paprikash. ukrainian food tastes good.


so the schedule for this weeks is all 6am starts and i think it might kill me. ok, so i'm not going to die over it but i get ridiculously tired. i need to put the job search in overdrive but it's so hard to get motivation. and really, cover letters totally impair me. i mean, what do you say, what tone should it be in, how 'real' should you be? i'm horrible at marketing myself. never wanting to gloat or promote my abilities, well, at least not in a serious manner. so, it's me, working at a grocery store, sorry, a unique grocery store, not able to pay all my bills and not having my period in over three months. stressssss.

but not to worry, i still have the highlights of life intact:

flossing
the meat and cheese drawer of my fridge
eye cream
reading on the subway
vicarious living
shapeless, shiftless non-direction


okay, 7:41pm, almost my bed time. yeah, early to bed, early to rise. oh and tomorrow is halloween. oh and we're allowed to wear a costume tomorrow... yeah right, like i'd humiliate myself like that. interacting with the public blows.

days turn into days

i am tired. all of work is on my feet and man, it takes its toll. still haven't done laundry and it's starting to show. trista might come up to visit tuesday night and all of wednesday but i just talked to her and it sounds like she's getting sick. so we'll see what happens. tomorrow starts my morning shifts at the store, up at 5:30 is going to come quick. and i sent around a mass email to all the people of meaning. below are the picks of the apartment.

much better spirits

fell asleep in maire's bed last night and had the best night of sleep. i was up, no problem, with her at 7:30am. yeah, that's right. normal hours. insomnia, kiss my ass. so today i have the task of moving my stuff into my freshly painted room (also completed yesterday) and writing the dreaded cover letters i profess to hate.

my room is bright. and i wish i had a digital camera to illustrate how florescent it is at this moment. walking into the room makes me smile, it radiates. wet coral. orangey-pink. very bright, intense, and humorous. you can't even see the floor (pink tile) because the walls give all your eyes can take. looking through my room into maire's her beige walls look white. to enter my room you have to go through the hall which we've painted "poppy pods" a very dark chocolatey brown and the contrast is so wonderful, my room is a light at the end of the tunnel or the petals to compliment the "pod" or however you choose to see it. hopefully the humor of my room will get me through the grey new york winter that will be everywhere else surrounding.

oh, and today i'm making soup. beans, rice, potato and carrots among other numerous ingredients. smells so good, makes the house warm and homey feeling. i don't like that the weather is already in the 40s. but suck it up, juliet.

i want these shoes, badly:

how cool are these??

current dissatisfactions

• leaping before i look, faith in the charmed life my mother assures me will fall away at any moment.
• cover letters
• grind of everyday
• monetary inconsistency and deficiency
• wondering if strong sense of self is just a strong delusion
• the hours 3pm to 12am
  

it's as though i am waiting to be prolific. like it will just happen upon me without really ever beginning. to be completely disassociated with the world and then all of a sudden like the dark horse come out ahead. but i don't think i want to come out ahead, is that all the dark horse ever does. and is the worth of my existence going to be judged on how many i've touched, invoked, irritated, taught. what do i want to do with my life, what production line do i want to enter?

the cat is so weird, he picks the smallest thing in the room to try and sit on. given, it's maire's so he must smell her or something, but it doesn't look very comfortable.


ok, coconut milk rice, get dressed, go to work, pretend not to hate current existence.

Friday the 13th

I woke up today feeling terrible. The monitary pressures seem too heavy to bare. Employment seems to be such a fickle thing. Yesterday I went to meet with a recruiter, the recruiter that Maire used and the recruiter who found her a job in less than a week, paying way more then needed, etc. During and after the interview I would say that the guy hated me. I was not what he expected at all. Maire had written an email saying how great I was and I think he was expecting a clone of Maire, of which I am not. I want a job within a week. Any job, just pay me more than I need for basic survival. Basic survival blows. When I woke up this mid-morning, after sleeping through my alarm and not painting my room, I thought about moving home again. My little crutch. The breaker being that I'm the same person wherever I live so I better just suck it up and figure shit out. Cough has yet to go away. Bills have yet to go away. But for some reason the cat has grown to like me. Now sleeps in my bed/ bothers the fuck out of me.
So I can't claim to be alone. I no longer want to work at a grocery store. I don't know what I want to do but I want to be paid for it.

living in brooklyn

never go naked on the hotel bedspread. that is the advice i've taken from today's csi:miami marathon. the rest of it went way over my head.

my one month anniversary was three days ago and i didn't even realize because on a daily basis i have no idea what day it is. day of the week? sure! but day? no. i don't want to know the day, the day leads me on a countdown to bills being due and then highlights the lack of money to pay said bills in a timely fashion. my employment with trader joe's is currently a week old although i'm not sure when payday is. maire is right, the harder you work the less you make. i need to find the job where you aren't fufilled but at least you have money to pay bills and travel. i mean, at tj's not only am i not fufilled but i'm not making enough for all the bills and i get home exhaused. the new schedule for this week is 3pm to 12am, daily, at least the hours will stack up.

check list:

find cushy job
bills, bills, bills
get digital camera, turn this into a photo blog of sorts- maybe a flicker account??
open water swimming, wave of the future
peanut farming, wave of the future
finish gravity's rainbow, damnit